Desperation, Irrevocably
by Elodia
Summary: It was the sheer feeling of desperation, of hopelessness, that left her wanting him. And he didn't even know it.
1. Follow

Hello, my name is Kagome. Kagome Kamemura.  
_And I'm a fool, you see_.

Why am I fool, you ask? Well, there are myriad answers to this question. I'm a fool because I'm clumsy; because I tend to end up in the most deadly of situations; because I'm not necessarily one of the most intellectual humans on the face of this planet. There are many. But, the fact of the matter is, none of the answers are the true answer to why I'm a fool. Here. I invite you to take a guess. Go on, guess. Did you guess yet? I bet you didn't get it right. In any case, I'll tell you. I'm a fool because I'm desperately, so desperately, _so desperately_, enamored with him.

_Him_.

That.. that man. No, not man. Beast. That _beast_. He knows what he does to me, and yet, he seems so oblivious to it all. I wish I could be oblivious. Just this once in my life, I'd like to apply the teachings of "ignorance is bliss".

_Kagome, what drives you to be so captivated with a man that's had the blood of countless men on his hands_, I ask myself. Time and time again the answer eludes me. Painfully.

But I don't mind. I don't mind at all, for my logic is slowly starting to betray me. I found that more and more, I've been okay with being so desperate for his affection. It's not okay. It's not healthy.

It's not _me_.

As I write this, I find my surroundings, though tranquil, do nothing to ease the heaviness in my mind and in my heart. This lonesome part of the forest is filled with the sweet, distinguishable smell of spring. The birds sing a lovely tune and the creatures of this area scurry around, possibly looking for food or exercising their animal legs or trying to get away from me and the waves of confusion and sadness my aura sends off.

You would think that this would be rather peaceful, right? As would I. But it's not. It's not even close. On several occasions, I've felt his presence. Not too close, but close enough to perhaps sense my confusion and sadness as well.

_Sesshomaru_.

Words echo in my mind, and in this moment, I'm glad that the Feudal Era is filled with demons, witches, warlocks and the like. Not mind-readers.

So many words. _So _many _words_. They're suffocating me and, at the same time, caressing my mind like silk. Deadly silk.

_Love.  
Hate.  
Pain.  
Desperation.  
Desperation.  
Desperation.._

Over and over they repeat. "Desperation" more so than the others. The word and its synonymous counterparts find a way to etch themselves onto my psyche. It's like a vicious circle that I wish would end. And, at the same time, I need it. I feel like I need these words to sustain me—or my sanity, rather.

Huh.

Speak of coincidence.

The devil himself decides to show up while I'm exploring the nature of my mind further and, ultimately, devastating myself.

I can feel him so clearly, almost as if we're standing right in front of each other. His aura is one of dark, unspeakable malice and superiority that is not to be toyed with. My curiosity arises and I start to wonder what it would be like to make love to a man so dangerous.

Would it be dangerous in itself? Would it be wonderful? I ask these semi-rhetorical questions to myself in my mind, and all I'm answered with is a scene of the two of us in bed, our voices alternating between soft and loud moans and pants while his hips thrust excruciatingly slow into me.

He's still there and I begin to wonder what would happen if I continued my train of thought on these images of eroticism.

In the end, my curiosity won and I decided to explore it. Not because I wanted to, but because I hated feeling curious.

The next scene in my mind was seductive. That's all I can really describe it as. In it, I'm kneeling. Kneeling before him. What bothered me was the _way_ I was kneeling. I wasn't kneeling on my knees more so than I was sitting on the heels of my feet. In a way, I felt so vulnerable—both in real time and in the scene—that I attempted to shift into a different position.

I couldn't; there was collar around my neck and a long leash was attached to said collar. Any time I tried to move without being commanded to do so, the leash was pulled, effectively letting me know that I was not allowed to move unless told to.

In real time, I was uncomfortably fidgeting with my skirt. It was evident that I had become aroused by the scene inside of my mind and, strangely, I didn't mind it. If I had been in my right mind, of course, I would have been protesting against it.

Obviously, I was not in my right mind.

Sesshomaru dropped the leash. Slowly, slowly. It hit the floor in what seemed like minutes, but was actually only a few seconds. He moved behind me and kneeled as well. I wanted to protest, to say that a Taiyoukai of his power should never kneel before or behind anyone, but quickly decided not to.

Was he still there? I concentrated, trying to get a feel for him. Yes, he was. And I'm positive he noticed a change in my scent. If anything I believe he is drawn to it; he's a inch closer than he was when my scent was full of negativity.

In my mind, the scene continued. Sesshomaru slowly ran a clawed hand through my hair, massaging my scalp. Instinctively, my head lolled back in pleasure. In the deep recesses of my mind, while all of this was going on, a rational-sounding voice shouted: "Stop, Kagome! Stop, stop! This is wrong! You know it's wrong. You know.."

The voice was drowned out by the baritone voice of my object of hate, love:

"So beautiful, my darling Kagome. So.. perfect."

Lies. _Lies_! I knew it couldn't be so; I was so far from perfection that and I wanted him to know that. There were scars on my person and scars on my psyche, but more on my psyche. Knowing that he thought I was perfect, I felt the violent urge to heave up the contents in my stomach. I hated being in the same sentence as perfection, as it is quite obvious that I'm nowhere near it.

"Sesshomaru-sama, I'm not—"  
"Silence speaks volumes when words cannot."

I was confused by his sudden response. What did he mean that "silence speaks volumes when words cannot"? While I briefly contemplated this, the hand in my hair moved downward, slowly, slowly. Down to the nape of my neck. It occurred to me that that hand housed poison—deadly poison. A quiet sigh left my lips, but I was sure Sesshomaru heard it, with what his preternatural hearing and all. Didn't I tell you that I was a fool?

In the clearing, I, again, noticed that Sesshomaru had come closer. I never heard it, though. Of course not. He's far too gracefully stealth. I assumed that my scent of arousal had spiked. I definitely felt it, and I'm sure that Sesshomaru had smelled and felt it as well.

I was anxious to see through to this scene in my head, but it had suddenly transposed to a still image. Strangely, I was a little upset. But, why? I hadn't wanted to _truly _explore this scene in the first place, right? So, why was I so upset? And, on top of that, I still despised Sesshomaru for making me fee this way.

_Didn't I?_

I wasn't even sure about that anymore. Truthfully, I wasn't really sure about anything anymore at this point. I wasn't sure if I still despised Sesshomaru and his obliviousness to my problem, or whether my feelings toward him were even real. About one thing I was still positive:

_I love him._

I loved the killing perfection. I loved him.

Getting up from my place on a fairly sturdy log, I walked over to the hidden path that Sesshomaru had been watching me from.

I stood erect in front of him and looked him straight in the eye. I wasn't intimidated by him, not at all. If anything, I was a bit envious, if not somewhat zealous.

"Do you love me, Sesshomaru-sama?"

Silence.

"Do you?"

Again, silence.

"If you don't, that's fine. But I'm going to make it my goal to make you love me, Sesshomaru-sama. I don't believe you realized how much pain you've caused me. You're terrible, you know that? Horrible. And yet.."

"And yet..?" What was I going to say? I don't know. What was I going to say, if anything? I still don't know.

He raised a perfectly structured eyebrow when I trailed off. And something beautiful, magical, _mystical_, even, happened.

Sesshomaru smiled. His smile was utterly stunning, and I wished that I could have told him to continue to smile. Still smiling, he turned from me and began walking away, knowing that I would follow him.

And I did. I did follow him. After all, I was determined to make him fall so irrevocably in love with me.

~Owari.


	2. Rejection

I was frantic. Lost inside my own mind. Terrified of what I might do if I let my guard down.

I ran through the elegant mansion as tears rolled down my face and my hair flew behind me. Sesshomaru had rejected me the night before, and I couldn't handle it. All the death I had seen, all of Inuyasha's constant want for that dead, walking corpse left me a corpse myself.

_Where do I go from here_?

The rhetorical question echoed inside of my desolate mind, eerily similar to the echoing of my bare feet on the marble that I ran on. Why wasn't he following me? Sesshomaru. Why wasn't he following me? It's only been a few days since I followed him here back to his home, hell-bent on making him, if not that, forcing him, to love me. I was broken inside, you see.

_Desperation.  
Desperation?  
Desperate.._

The words! Those cursed words! My dreams were their only way in which they could haunt me and remind me of what I had become:

_A desperate shell of my former self._

I continued running. Running, running, never knowing where exactly I would end up. I passed eloquent baths, a beautiful garden, and many, many beautiful bedrooms I briefly wished I could kill myself in. I wanted to dirty something of his even if it wasn't he I would be dirtying. I would splatter my blood across the many paintings and antiques in the grandest room in this _prison_.

I didn't expect him to flat out reject me four days after I followed him like the hopeless puppy dog I am. In fact, I should have expected such.

Right?

I should have expected him to never want me; to never want to touch this dirtied body; to _never_, **ever **try and heal me. No, never.

_But, fuck. I expected him to. I _wanted _him to. I should have gave up the prospect of hope the day I followed him_.

But I didn't. And shit like this is what gives karma her infamous repertoire, no?

Still running was I. Finally, I stopped at a bedroom that was, for the most part, bare of anything beautiful, save for the large canopy bed near the left-hand side of the room. By entering, I would simply add to the lack of beauty that had become its theme.

A sigh left my nearly dry lips as I sat on the bed and put my head into the palms of my hands. If I had to explain the amount of horrific pain that I felt, I couldn't tell you in words.

It's been said that silence speaks volumes. Didn't someone else say that as well..?

-Flashback-  
_"Sesshomaru-sama, I'm not—"  
"Silence speaks volumes when words cannot."_

_-_End flashback-

As much as I wanted to curse him in this moment, I had to admit that Sesshomaru was right. When words were not available to the human mind, silence is always on the backburner. Maybe my silence will tell him more than my voice ever could, perhaps?

_Perhaps._

I can't tell you how many hours or minutes passed while I sat in that room. But it must have been a lot of hours, considering that the sun had set and nightfall was afoot. I thought I had fallen asleep. Maybe I had, maybe I hadn't, I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure of much of anything as of late. My head was swimming in an abyssal amount of nothingness and colorless pain. For some reason, labeling it as "pain" felt like a terrible, terrible understatement.

Foot steps. Soft and graceful, deadly and stealth. I heard Sesshomaru round a corner far from this room, and I knew that I had to hide myself somehow. Either that, or disappear completely. I felt mortified at the words I had spoken to Sesshomaru. Maybe that smile was a smile not of some form of happiness, but a smile that knew it would be difficult to succeed in my task? Then again, that might have been a form of happiness for Sesshomaru, only Kami-sama knows.

Closer and closer. So close. They stopped at the closed door and I curled into myself, remembering something a teacher had told my class about making yourself smaller or something to that effect. I never noticed the door had opened, and Sesshomaru had entered the room. A true hunter, he is. He neared closer to me and I shut my eyes tightly, praying to every God in the sky to make me invisible, make me disappear, something that would take me away from this God-awful place.

"I found you, Kagome~"

I shivered, and I knew he saw. This was like a sick game of cat and mouse, only the cat just so happened to be a youkai, and the mouse just so happened to be a human. Sesshomaru ran an elegant lethal claw down my back. I resisted the urge to arch into the claw no matter how nice it felt. But rejection didn't feel nice. And I knew he didn't want to touch me willingly, so I flinched away from the claw and scooted toward the wall that the bed touched.

I have no idea how many minutes passed by before I felt the weight of the bed shift, and that same clawed hand run its talons down my back. This time, I arched into his touch. But not so much so that he would be encouraged to do it again. However, I believe I might have arched into him a bit too much, as he did it again.

And I bit my lip so hard. So hard that the skin broke and a tiny rivulet of blood began running the corner of my mouth.

Sesshomaru smelled the blood and leaned over my trembling body, and licked it away, flicking his tongue over the self-wound to close it. My eyes, which were shut so tightly, had opened a smidge and it looked as if my eyes were half-lidded in lust.

Maybe they were, maybe they weren't, who knows? I didn't. I'm sure Sesshomaru did, however, as the tongue that had healed my wound moved to the center of my throat. His lips latched onto an expanse of skin, and my body went rigid.

All I felt was exquisite pleasure. It was so foreign to me, as Inuyasha, even when he decided me worthy enough to be given a limited amount of pleasure, had never been so gentle with me.

So badly did I want to give in; to give myself to this pleasure-pain that tortured my weak mind. And in my momentary musings, I did. Even if rejection wasn't the greatest feeling, I was still desperate enough for even a bit of attention from him.

And he gave me so much of it that every time his skin broke contact with my own, I nearly moaned in protest. Sesshomaru's mouth never left the area in the center of my throat, but his hands, those beautiful, dangerous hands, were doing something to the middle-most and lower-most part of me simultaneously.

The hands softly, softly crawled their way under the silk nightgown that I had changed into the previous night and hadn't changed out of since. My body trembled—with what, I was not entirely positive—for something more.. something more.. what? His eyes glanced upward at me and I swore to myself that those magnificently golden irises smirked at me, as his mouth was currently busy devouring my throat.

My fingers twitched with an aching to run themselves through his hair. And they did. For a moment, I was jealous that his hair was far silkier than mine was. But my hands never left the mane of silver.

Sesshomaru's fingers, however, were busily teasing and taunting my aching body. I could smell the scent of sex—my sex, I suppose—in the air and that caused a slow, quiet moan to leave my lips. A single claw alternated between flicking against my erect nipples. Electricity burned my spine and I began trembling against him once more. I don't think I had really stopped in the first place.

My body had somehow found its way beneath Sesshomaru's massive one, and the hands in his hair found themselves eagerly tearing away at the annoying clothing that stopped my skin from fully coming in contact with his.

_Behind the lids of my eyes, I saw red—the color of blood. The color of _passion.

Sesshomaru pressed himself against me, allowing me to feel that he was just as excited as I was. Instead of me getting his clothes off, he simply tore mine from my body. I lay there, naked as the day I was born. His eyes flicked from golden to red for a single second, and it terrified me as well as excited me more, if humanly possible.

I would have liked to describe Sesshomaru, the great Taiyoukai of the west, as being desperate right now. Or rather, desperate-with-grace. To answer your inquiry, of _course _it's possible. This is Sesshomaru, you know.

He stripped himself of his own clothing and planted his hands on either side of my head so as to hold his weight and not completely crush me. Our hips rocked together in delicious ecstasy and our moans filled the room. The room that had once lacked beauty was now, to me, the most beautiful room in Sesshomaru's home, even if it didn't possess any paintings, antiques or furniture (save the bed) of impeccable grandeur.

"Kagome.."

I heard him, but the sound was so far from my passion-clouded mind. All I could feel, all I _knew _was him touching me everything, burning every stretch of skin that his fingers touched. I wanted to be sated. I wanted to be _sated_.

_Desperately_.

I could barely register him slipping into me, slowly pushing. My arms immediately embraced his neck and I pushed myself onto his aching member.

"Nn.. Kagome.."

My mind answered him, but I did not. I didn't trust my voice at this time, as I figured that the only answer he would get would be an incoherent flood of moans and words.

We build a rhythm gradually, gradually before he began thrusting furiously into me as if he had pent up anger than he needed to release.

But _I _needed release. Kami-sama knows I needed it badly. I could see in his face that he needed it, as well.

Suddenly, he pulled himself and my body up at the same time. If I didn't know a damn thing about beauty or elegance in sex, I would say that Sesshomaru would be the epitome of it right now. His hair was slightly—only slightly—disheveled; some if it was settled on his shoulder and some of it behind. The muscles in his perfectly structured legs were flexing continually in his position, which had him on his knees and leaning back against his thighs.

The eroticism of our current position was nearly unfathomable to me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and bounced atop of him, whimpering and calling out of his name. His thrusts became faster, and I guessed he had put a bit of his preternatural speed into his thrusts.

"A-Ah! S-Sesshomaru-sama..! Ngh.."

He looked at me and smirked and his thrusts became so fast that if he hadn't been holding me about the waist, I might have hit the wall behind me. I buried my face in his hair and inhaled the musky, masculine scent that the sweat had given it. His claws were digging into my sides, and I didn't care. As a child, I had been somewhat of a masochist, anyway.

_So close.. so close.._

I was approaching my climax and by the grunts that came from Sesshomaru, he was, too. The claws dug into my sides more, and I knew he had broken skin. I didn't care. I wanted my blood and our juices to mix on this bed. I wanted to be marked by him and only him. No longer did my mind think of the pain he had caused, but it only thought of the pleasure he gave me.

"Sesshomaru!" I whimpered onto the night air. I vaguely heard his baritone voice answer with my name as we released, I onto him, and him into me. The room smelled so much of sex and cum, and I almost got excited again. He let go of me, allowing me to fall back onto the bed, and into the small puddle of blood that had accumulated while we fucked.

The silken sheets were stained with blood, with our juices and our scents were engraved in it. Sesshomaru pulled out and lied next to me, staring into my eyes. No words were needed nor were they necessary, as it would only serve to ruin the afterglow.

My fingers curled themselves in his hair as I curled up against him. Strangely, I felt no regrets, no nothing, really, save for the need of more skin-to-skin contact with Sesshomaru. My eyes were heavy, and without protesting of any sort, I closed them, giving into the inevitable sleep.

Inside my mind, I heard a whisper. A tiny whisper. It spoke:

_If this is what Sesshomaru's rejection is, then I wouldn't mind being rejected by him all the time_.

I chuckled softly at the silliness of it, and whispered quietly onto the night air:

"I couldn't agree more."

~Owari.


End file.
